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Thursday October 24th, 2002 - 00:27

I cut myself and I bleed warm spring water.

I put the blood in a cup in hopes of of maybe getting the sustenance I'm looking for, to no avail.

I would kill a man for a can of Mountain Dew at this point.

This curse - this self imposed imprisonment is probably the stupidest idea at the present time. Life. The future. All up in the air. When will things become clear? I have no answers, but I decide to stop drinking caffiene to maybe make things a bit worse.

Because really, if you can't punish yourself worse than anyone else, what good are you?

On the plus side I'm sort of becoming more normal. If normal people walk around in a trance with splitting headaches and no energy despite the amount of sleep they've had and what time of day it is.

No, seriously. I'm slowly waking up earlier and earlier. 10AM today. Me. 10AM. Me.

Seriously.

Today was one of those . . . interesting days. Those days when you think you're going to get a lot accomplished, because you've got a list and you're certainly motivated, but instead of getting anything accomplished and getting any real sense of good about yourself, you pretty much screw each thing up in its own individual way, leaving yourself confused and feeling as though someone has replaced all your fingers with twinkies.

Might as well eat one of the twinkies.

I actually hurtled another car into my car today. That's how bad it was.

Well, you asked.

My poor car is fine. Trooper that she is. She seems to enjoy taking whatever sort of beating I throw at her. Smiling all the way. If I were to believe in soulmates, my car would be my soulmate. Though in retrospect that sounds very shallow.

Of course, you don't know her. My car, that is. Not like I do. We *are* soulmates, I say. She and I. I and She. The both of us. Travelling and enjoying things. She's my solace from the world. The place where I'm happy. All the time. Even in traffic.

Eight speaker surround sound traffic.

Powered moonroof traffic.

Six disc CD changer traffic.

Traffic you just don't understand.

Speaking of traffic, I think I may go insane.

I know, we talked about the me not actually being insane if I say it outloud thing, but seriously. I think I may go insane. Even more insane than my current insanity allows. I'm breaking the mold for insanity. Going further than insanity has gone before. Breaking the glass ceiling of my own existing insanity.

An insanity upgrade, if you will.

And what to do of this job thing? I don't have one. Not worth noting, anyway. Doesn't someone want to hire me? I make up neat stories. I can try to do some other things, too. Really. Truly. I can change, baby. I can change.

It amuses me that I somehow posess the skill to be smarter than the average man with computers. I'm good enough at these things to be the one people call when they break. I will forever be doing tech support for my friends and family. Yet I do not seem to be at that crucial point where a company wants to hire me.

How can I be too dumb to get a job, but too smart to not be the one fixing everything? It's a curse, I say.

A curse.

Kind of like that movie I saw. With the videotape. And the people dying.

Was that a curse? No. No, it wasn't. But people died in it. So whatever. It was marginally scary. More so the second night after I saw it.

Took a day to sink in, it did.


So in conclusion: there is no conclusion.

I'm exactly where I was a month ago. Minus the homicidal tendencies that my birthday tends to bring about.

I wish I'd at least contemplate suicide as an option. Then I'd at least feel *normal*. They say everyone thinks about suicide. The only thing I think about suicide is why I don't think about suicide.

I'm talking in circles now.

Talk around in circles talk around in circles talk around in . . .

Soul Coughing talks to me through my soulmate.


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