Monday October 29th, 2007 - 15:10

I've typed a few things into the box I use to put words on the web, and none of them really came out the way I wanted them to.

I started this site all those years ago because I was an angry person and wanted everyone to know. I'm certainly less angry now (I think), and as the years went on it became less clear what the point of this was.

I wanted to be a writer. I kept notes on things going on in my life as a way to practice my writing and see if I could turn the world around me into some sort of art. If a reader can pick up on the words I'm splashing on the screen and visualize the people and places I'm talking about, that's a start, right?

That lasted for awhile. Then censorship steps in and you start to wonder what you put on the site. I used to write about everything, because most of the things in my life were pretty trivial. As I got older I struggled with family issues, relationships, and money troubles. Do I put these things online? Do people really want to read about me losing a job, or having a nasty breakup?

I started to wonder where the line was drawn.

In recent times, I focused on the days when I felt good. Days I had ideas and epiphanies about the world around me. This made for better reading, but it always felt hollow to me because I wasn't really conveying any turmoil that might be happening at the time.

When my Mom died, I wasn't sure what to do. It may seem strange, but I'm not really the type of guy to talk about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. Especially after something like that.

Not wanting to really analyze myself, or put my thoughts online for other people to pity me, I simply closed up shop. But I'm not sure that's the best choice. For a long time, this was a place of catharsis for me. Putting words on digital paper helped clarify things. Even older entries might start angry or confused, but wrap up into something tangible that I can take away. That's a process that actually happened as I wrote them. I sat down at the keyboard and belted out things going through my head and managed to wrangle them into something that made sense. Both for the narrative, and for my head.

So what now?

I once told someone that I keep this site because if I don't write anything down I'll forget it. I still believe that to be true, so I'm going to stick to that as the primary function for now.

I'm going to try my best to be forthcoming with what's going on, but I can't promise that I'll be completely candid. At this point, there are still some things that can't quite make it to the surface, and it's better for all of us if we don't try to force them.

But in the mean time, I'll jot the words down as they escape my head. Maybe I'll get lucky and some of them will make sense. But at the very least, I can come back a few years from now and see what was going on today. That makes this place still worth something to me.

Stay tuned.


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