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Wednesday October 8th, 2003 - 10:56

It used to be that those short urinals in the Mens room would make me feel somewhat embarassed.

Think about it. You're in a place where you're most vulnerable to your fellow man. All someone has to do is catch you with your pants down. Literally. Or, while you're dreaming of what you'll be doing later on tonight, your fellow men turns and pees on your unsuspecting leg. Now your day is ruined, and since urine is body temperate, you may not even know for several minutes. By then, he'll be gone. Do you often remember the person standing next to you at the urinal? Of course you don't - you aren't allowed. It's impolite. In the bathroom we come in, do our business, and get the fuck out of there without any talking, eye contact, or recognition, in most cases.

But oh, the short urinal. Your fellow bathroom goers are snickering under their breath as they watch you play musical urinals and get stuck with the short one.

Four guys. Four urinals. One of them is the short urinal. Who will be the sucker today?

And so you arrive at your vertically challenged quarry and think to yourself, "What have I done today to deserve this? Did I run over an old lady this morning on my way to work? Did I perhaps accidentally trip someone and knock them over which caused a chain of events which eventually led to the destruction of an Amazon Rainforest?

You gaze down at the white porcelain, and study the 3.8 Litre-Per-Flush symbols (as there is nothing else to look at, and heaven forbid you look around at the other bathroom-folk) and wonder idly if perhaps in the next round you will be gifted with a *normal* urinal, and if you can only get out of this one alive and without incident, you will be a humanitarian to all.

No one goes to the short urinal on purpose. It's social suicide, man. You don't want to be an outcast in the bathroom.

But I realized today, that the short urinal is actually a godsend.

It's the ultimate sleeper. No one wants anything to do with it, but oh the virtues of the short urinal! It sits down there at a perfectly unobtrusive level. You approach, you use, and you leave. You don't have to worry about the person before you who peed all over the place in his embarassment and rush to get away from the evi l short urinal. You don't have to do anything. You just walk up and finish your job with ease and calmness. Clarity, even.

All the other folks are thinking you're the loser. You got stuck with the short one. You're the unlucky sod who will begin the worst day of his life.

You, however, know they are fools. You have found the holy grail of urinals - the short urinal. You approach the short urinal with pride. You even wait for someone to finish up so you can use the sacred short one. You are in an elevated state of mind. Nothing can stop you now. Your day will be a day of pure perfection. Doors will open for you unmanned. Traffic will stop and go at your whim. People you do not know will speak to you and offer you lucrative business ventures beyond your wildest dreams. Nothing can ruin this day! Nothing will - wait, is that guy pissing on my fucking leg?

Goddamnit.

Well. It is a small price to pay. What's a pair of soaked pants between you and your beloved urinal?

Remember this next time you visit a restroom, my friends. The short urinal is your savior. Your golden goose in a land of ugly ducklings. Ignore the taunts and your friends and co-workers shout at you. Those heathens.

You are enlightened now. No one can take that away from you or your short porcelain angel.


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